Fear, courage & self exams…

What started out as my “business” blog, has somewhat evolved a bit over the past year.

It’s become more personal, more about my family, our home and about myself.

I absolutely love to blog and I look forward to writing my posts.

Most of my posts are unplanned, sharing what new items I’ve made, crafts I’ve done, etc.

Sometimes I’m wordy, and probably give TMI, other times it’s quick, easy reading with lots of pics.

My blog has totally become another creative place for me.

A place where I can open up, express my feelings, a place where I can share a bit of my life.

I do NOT want to sound as though I am atop a soapbox, rather sharing my thoughts, my opinions and my perspectives.

I have met and become friends with many amazing women through blogging as well, women who I truly wish lived closer so we could share a cup of coffee or a glass of wine over some girl talk.

Maybe even create together.

Maybe one day.

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So the reason for this post?!?

Again, unplanned.

Well, it’s quite personal, but something I wanted to share because I care about women.

Women like my mom (and mother in law), my sisters (and sister in-laws), my girlfriends, my daughters, my cousins, my Aunts, my neighbors.

Just a couple of days after Christmas, I was self examining my breasts.

Now I don’t schedule these self exams, just basically when I remember to do so.  They too, are unplanned and probably far too infrequent.

As I was checking my left breast, I felt a distinct hard, lump just above my ribcage, right about where my bra underwire sits.

The moment I felt this lump, I knew I had never felt it there before, a warm rush of fear washed over me.

I told my husband about what I had found, then I checked again to make certain it wasn’t my imagination.

It was there.

I picked up the phone and called my Dr. for an appointment.

My Dr. was on vacation, but I scheduled an appointment for the following week with her Physician’s Assistant.

The PA would assess the sitch, then refer me to the women’s center for a mammogram.

I was okay with waiting, although I was anxious to just get it done.

My husband was not.  Michael decided to call the Dr’s office to see if he could get me in sooner.

Turns out he got me an appointment for the very same day!

He came out of his office, phone in hand, and asked “Shell, can you be there in 15 minutes??”

{ what a guy.  although I was totally fine waiting a few more days, I was SO touched by his concern and support }

After my PA appointment, I was referred to the women’s center for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.

My appointment was scheduled a few days later, on my husbands birthday to be exact.

Just a few short few days however, during that time, I really thought about my life and my mortality.

I thought a lot about my husband, but especially my children.

I thought about leaving them without a mom.

I know, my thoughts were possibly a bit irrational and premature, but I wanted to prepare myself for any bad news I may hear at my impending appointment.

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{ quote via Pinterest }

My mammogram/ultrasound appointment was scheduled for 8:15 am, with about a half hour drive.

I awoke at 4:15am when my  son came into our room feeling sick to his stomach.

{ yes, at 15 years old he still needs his mama when he’s sick }

Needless to say, I never did fall back to sleep.

I tossed and turned and tried my very best to NOT look at the clock, rather focus on breathing.

Deep, cleansing breaths.

{ I finally gave up on the sleep thing about 5:45 am, I was afraid I was keeping Michael awake and he had to travel that day }

I kissed and hugged my kids just a bit longer and tighter that day, before hopping into my SUV and driving to my appointment alone.

As I drove, I was deep in thought, thoughts of what may possibly become “my new reality”.

I repeatedly thought “my life (our lives) may totally change today”.

I was trying to stay positive, to think peaceful thoughts, but I also wanted to be realistic.

And prepared.

Breast cancer exists, and unfortunately it’s all too present in WAY too many women’s lives today.

Women we all know.

Women who are fighting for their lives each and everyday.

{ image via Pinterest }

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{ image via Pinterest }

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I’m not going to lie, my mammogram was awful, and more painful than any other one I have had in the past.

My technician was cold, somber and machine-like.

I tried to break the ice with small chit-chat, but she wasn’t having that.

Seriously ???

I felt badly for her, not sure why ?!?

But I was also a little angry too.

I mean, it’s hard enough for women to find the courage to actually walk into that office for a mammogram, let alone stand there in a cold, dark room, exposed and scared with a robot-like woman making you even more uneasy.

Sorry, I just think she should have shown more compassion, that’s all.

Maybe she is jaded ??

Burnt out from looking at women’s boobs too long ??

Whatever it is, I decided to pray for her.

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After my mammogram, I walked across the hall for my ultrasound.

I was praying and praying hard at this point.

The ultrasound tech was SO much more personable and we started with some small talk.

We talked about our kids, the weather and then this…

[tech] “so, you are here because you found a lump on your right breast correct??”

[me] “um, no,  It’s my left breast”

[tech] “hmm, okay because there is a note here that says she found something in your right breast”.

[me] “huh???”

{another rush of fear came over me}

She started examining me using the ultrasound wand-thing.

Then silence.

Silence for what felt like hours.

She was fixed on my right breast most of that time.

Then the left side to examine my lump.

She told me the lump I found is just a big ole’ lump of breast tissue which actually may be caused by underwire bras.

After she had the Radiologist review the results, I was free to go with a clean bill of health for another year.

{unless of course my Dr. see’s a need for a follow-up sooner than 1 year.}

Thank you God!

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

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The ultrasound was easy-peasy, and the jelly-warmer totally helped.

I don’t remember warm jelly when I was pregnant, you??

I can’t tell you how relieved I felt.

I felt like I could breathe again.

The first person I called was Michael.

I wanted so desperately to give him this good news on his birthday.

He was sitting at the airport awaiting his flight and when I called him he picked up immediately.

I could hear the relief in his voice when I told him I was okay, my heart melted.

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I am SO incredibly thankful that this post has a happy ending.

Unfortunately however, many women (and men), will receive news today that will change their lives forever.

Sad, but true.

My heart goes out to anyone battling cancer and illness.

I personally have family members and friends who are, my prayers are with them.

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So, I am asking AND encouraging anyone who reads this post, on my little blog to PLEASE, PLEASE do self-exams regularly.

Mammograms too, they are critical for early detection.

Be brave and suck it up, they are not fun, but may just save YOUR life.

The life of your children’s Mommy.

And how can you say no to that ?!?

{ photos via Pinterest }